[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*