@kirthyiyer: The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
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@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
@Just_Lee_: When I think of you, I touch myself. With my finger. In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
@TheSadnesses: [elevator] “Wanna buy a spoon?” Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes.
@jake_lach: <-----Will never confess the actual number of house cats he's forced outdoors when the owner wasn't looking