@XplodingUnicorn: [end of a job interview] Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it? Him: Me: Him: Which half?

@ericsshadow: I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

@Book_Krazy: [spelling bee] Your word is 'monosyllabic' "Can you describe it in a sentence?" Yes

@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.

@HatfieldAnne: Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it's bracelets.