@kirthyiyer: The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [end of a job interview] Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it? Him: Me: Him: Which half?
@ericsshadow: I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.