The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?