The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.