its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
accurate
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now