The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.