The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
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Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?