I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!