Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
You Might Also Like
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?