New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you