Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart