*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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Rt to bother an English speaker
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I like crazy people until they notice me
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
There are no pants in heaven.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?