Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates