The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?