The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
こいつ天才
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“What?”
– Jude
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???