The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Always the camel, never the toe.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.