@Smethanie: The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist's hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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@Reverend_Scott: Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die.
@ieatanddrink: I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do
@ninjadinosaur1: He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can't think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
@BradBroaddus: I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.