@Smethanie: The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist's hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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@drugleaf: the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a "Bazinga" shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
@chuuew: SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side] ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I... hate... being... stabbed...
@theshamingofjay: I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.