@Smethanie: The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist's hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Women would be better serial killers if they didn't smile when people mention someone's been missing
@RuffaloShuffle: *Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* "May divorce be with you" "What?" "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun"
@droidbears: [caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit