The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
mood
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Every work meeting this week
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny