The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.