The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
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[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled