The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
blocked.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into