My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem