The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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sugar glider wrangler
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
PARKOUR
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Just parrot things
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.