The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao