@JessObsess: The main reason I don't own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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@ilovepie84: I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
@bridger_w: FYI, you don't have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, "How's everything tasting"
@shahnischmani: Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"
@robwhisman: teens don't realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you'd have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever