The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
#ParentingFacts
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink