The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
i hope my email finds you on fire
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
This hospital has everything
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.