the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My dating profile:
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them