@NotThatKristi: The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..
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@jackiembouvier: Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
@mjkspeaks: [job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.
@Reverend_Scott: [hospital] "The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live." But does my hair look good?