@NotThatKristi: The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..
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@courtneyno: The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I've been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.
@salamingia: Don't you love it when you order salt at McDonald's and you accidentally get some fries!
@CraigChamberlin: Me: "You didn't tell me that." Them: "Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone." Me (looks up): "I'm sorry, what?"
@JohnLyonTweets: I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.