Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*me flirting
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.