The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
then why did i get this email
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]