The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE