@The_JRM: The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I'm in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.
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@BackrowSeats: Don't dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that'll happen tomorrow.
@nealbrennan: Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny...”
@murrman5: [spending entire date hiding the fact I'm really a beaver] "ow" what's wrong? "I got a splinter" may I see? "I guess so" delicious "pardon?"
@underchilde: Sometimes I worry my girlfriend will get kidnapped and that reporters will want to talk to me and I won’t be wearing designer jeans.