@The_JRM: The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I'm in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.
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@fletchworld73: So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
@daemonic3: [trying to impress fiancée's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?
@TheSofiya: Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
@thetobbie: Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair...