When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“The Perfect Relationship”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t