@AsYouNotWish: The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.
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@DaddyJew: Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you
@Robski_Boy: Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
@NicestHippo: [religion conference] BUDDHA: What's your opener? JESUS: "God loves you." You? BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
@EyeSeeYou619: [country music plays in elevator] ME: I hate Toby Keith HIM: This isn't Toby Keith ME:(leans into his face) I don't give a shit who this is