I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
That’s no pocket rocket.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??