The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam