Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
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i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.