@Sickayduh: The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. "Too pudgy to be a terminator" says one woman.
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@Okeating: I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.
@putyoursisterd1: 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
@Death_Buddy: I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, "dang, someone's already got the murdering covered here"
@Brampersandon_: OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*