the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.