The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
This is Sparta
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.