The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
How it started How it’s going
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.