The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register