@omgthatspunny: The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
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@cervixsmash: Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
@StinkyGr33n: [Movie pitch in Hollywood] A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing's illegal. We'll call it BigfootLoose
@Tommytoughstuff: [Talking to a giant banana] "Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
@annadrezen: My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I'm great at pole dancing.