“What movie?” 🤔
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My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Breaking news:
I wanna be friends with this person
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My typo game is string.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July