The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.