“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*bites zombie*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*