The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You Might Also Like
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Just a reminder, folks:
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.