The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this