The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
You Might Also Like
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?