@_Fariis: The meat served in IKEA's restaurant is made of people who couldn't find the way out.
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@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
@MartaEffing: *runs my fingers thru your hair* *tightens grip* *pulls your head back* *looks you in the eye* Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?
@philyuck: COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark? MARK: He's alive so I'm assuming he had a birth, yes.