hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells