the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
What a year we’ve had this week.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*