I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.