Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
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There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Bike for sale
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?