The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
ready to be harvested
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.