dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.