The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Yeah. This was me today.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”